Tonight We're Gunna Party...

I don't really remember this.

Let Your Hair Down;

You're the medium I've been looking for.
In between rushing and racing to sort and plan out every inch of my life up, you can calm me and center everything evenly and majestically.
You center my focus and make me want to better myself. You're the positive to my negative. The one who makes me comfortable enough to show my real self in public.

Its been a short time already, and I'm enjoying every millisecond of it.


I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours It's simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by I watch the clock so I can make my timing just right.
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?

In Sincerity;

I miss you so much.
Ill never forget the times we spent together, hanging out at school, skipping class to go into town, smoke cigarettes out the back, find an unused classroom to hold our ever so infamous "hangman" games with alcohol.
We were an unstoppable force, you were my first friend when I entered high school and you accepted me for my differences, everyone saw us as a couple when we just saw it as a guy and a girl making the most of school life.
When I gained my crush on you, we dated for a few months and it all went to oblivion. My over neediness, clinginess, paranoid, over protective and ever so assuming mind, costed you your life and ill never be able to forgive myself for it, I know you would hate for me to blame myself, but I can't help it. Your anniversary is slowly approaching and, like always, I can't bear it. Unlike previous times, ill try not to drown my sorrows on your day, but damn it, you got me into alcohol in the first place!
It'll be 4 years since you passed away, you are my absolute everything. No one will ever compare.

Forever, always and more, ill love you.

R.I.P
15/11/2005.

Forsaken;

Laying in my bed, at 2:50am, and I cannot sleep. This is nothing unusual for me. I lay my head back into my 7 neatly and organizely placed pillows and watch the smoke from my cigarette dissapear into the air before it reaches my roof. The air wrapping around my naked torso feels a lot colder then it usually does, but im not phased, its probably Ricky, the ghost that haunts my house, trying to show me he's here with me. I suddenly don't feel as alone.

As I put out my cigarette I slide my ashtray onto my desktop and collapse onto my bed and allow my mind to take over my body, I shouldn't do it, the outcome is never pretty, but tonight it was good to me. My mind didn't sabotage myself and make me delve into past memories, or read into current problems so much that I am kept awake all night worrying about them. No, tonight my mind was nice.

I've enjoyed these last two months of fun and excitement, being single, going out, meeting amazing new people every week, always adventuring, always new experiances and funny stories to replay back on. It's all been a major highlight of my life, I've got a new group of friends that I would do anything for and without doubt risk limb for them, and have had to on the odd occasion.

I've enjoyed being single, which may surprise some people that know me, I haven't slutted around contray to popular belief, I have enjoyed the brighter side of it all. I never thought it was posible to be single and happy, but you can. In doing this, I have gone back into my old ways of independancy and self reliance, and I enjoy it. Im content and used to comming home to an empty cold bed, my room reeking of loneliness and angst. And I don't think its going to change.

But then my mind delves deeper, as per usual, and hits a restraintful nerve. I do miss it, I miss being wanted, to be held, to be someones, to mean the world to one person, to give my everything and more to. In times like this, my insomniac driven mind trips, I had my partner to sweep away all my fears and emotions, and they helped me get to sleep at night.

I am lucky enough to have found something similar to adorementioned wants, and I love it. Its not a relationship, its nothing serious, its chill and kick back, just how my life is. My mind has, of course, delved into current occurances and tried to sabotage it for me, but I won't allow it. I have come along way from all of this to deal with my mind in a much better way, I won't allow it to ruin the only thing that's putting a smile on my face the past few weeks.

I've grown, I've overcome, I've matured and most of all I've achieved so much in these past few months.
I've come so far from where I used to be, and I owe it all to positive thinking.

Keep Posi, always.

Quad Damage;

I hate the person I am becoming, and I blame you for it.

Today I managed to sleep through what seemed like an earthquake, I woke up in a daze, I was in the lounge room passed out. But I clearly remember sleeping in my brothers bedroom.
I hate the fact I have no life, my life is pretty much partying and hanging with friends and gigs. That's all well and good in moderation, but I personally am more interested in doing something that'll benefit me in the long, going from pub to pub to club to club, it's getting boring. Why do I continuously do it? I need to get out. I suffocate if I am on my own for too long, but then I have anxiety attacks when I am around too many people. There's never a medium. I long for it.

I'm never happy these days, I put on this act to make my friends happy because I hate the "Are you okay?" and the "Nothing" because I know majority of you are just asking out of politeness, you actually couldn't give a flying fuck about what I'm going through right now. And that's cool, because I don't care about anyone's problems either. The guy you see smiling, dancing, drinking, having a good time, he's a fake. He's not Jake. He is this persona I created to keep my friends happy when I was actually down. I call him JJ DeVille. Everyone knows JJ DeVille, none of you know Jake. I'm living a lie and I'm okay with it.

I hate this cycle, I hate all of this.
And I probably hate you.

The Awakening;

The day Bleed From Within wished me a happy birthday.
Best day.

I am:

Always going to love you.

Interlude;

Juliaaa says:
haha kick me in the lip?
youre horrid

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Yep. Kick to the face.
You'll love it.

Juliaaa says:
oh yayay

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Oh your sarcasm amuses me

Juliaaa says:
no id love to be kicked in the face
please do?

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Wanna be raped too, while you're at it?
Gangbanged, maybe?
Seems more like your thing.

Juliaaa says:
oh you know me so well!

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Fuck oath.
I saw the video.

Juliaaa says:
oh which one?

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
You're like a prostitute with no remorse.

Juliaaa says:
with the two fat guys?

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Yeah, and black.

Juliaaa says:
yes!
best videoooo

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Yeah you take it like a pro hey.

Juliaaa says:
of course
well pro yeah
thats my job description silly

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
It was my understanding your job description was "Absolute Slut"

Juliaaa says:
yah absolute slut pro

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
NONO
Professional Slut.

Juliaaa says:
pro*

JJ DeVille_X; I adore what I have become. says:
Professional make its more legit.
Pro, is lazy and tacky
Kind of like your face.

Juliaaa says:
youre so lovely! >.<

Over My Head;

I have made a post in so long hey.
I used to like, everyday but then I guess I got lazy and/or a life, perhaps?

One of alot of my mates friends Ryan Dodkin passed away the other day, it is terrible thing to happen to anyone. My deepest sympathy's go to his family and friends, I only met him like once or twice and he seemed like a great dude. It is a shame he passed away so long. It's hard watching all of my close mates become so affected by this but I know they'll pick themselves back up in no time. R.I.P

I have come to realize Sydney is where it's at. In such a short time, I've made some of the best of friends, and gotten closer to older friends I've lost in the past. These friends actually want to see me, make plans with me, everything. True friendship. I miss some of my old friendships in Newcastle, but clearly I've wiggled myself out of that loop.

I'm starting to get into the swing of singledom, and I don't mean that as I'm slutting around. I'm just used to it, comming home to a empty cold bed, all of it. I'm growing slowly acustomed to it, and I do enjoy the time on my own, though at times it does drive me insane and I need company, I've got Sydney for that.

I have cut down on smoking alot. I'm down to like 5 a day, which is a big step from like 30 a day or so. I do feel slightly more healthy, and these days if I go a day without, I loose sleep but I feel so much better. Alcohol is just taking its place more so then usual. I am uncertain wether this is a positive or negative thing. I'll keep you posted.

x

Lifted;

Today, my brother bought me as suit.
I have wanted a suit since I was 12 years of age.
I finally own one.
I look at it, so fascinated, yet, no idea when I would wear it.
Slightly wishing someone would get married, or something.
May wear it to Hot Damn on Thursday for the lolz hahaha.

Side note, this girls really got me hooked on her.
I dont want to be hooked, that's the thing. >.<

Being 18 isn't that fun.
Too much responsibility hey. Hot Damn is pretty shit, too many fat scrags.
I really like Trash though, other then certain wankers.
It reminds me of someone, but I met someone even better at Trash so all is well!

I miss you, too.
I hated kicking you out of my life.
It was so hard for me to do.
Hm. I hope you can forgive me.

One Night Stand;

sophie, says:
well brae asked dean if he liked lesbians and then everyone started listening in and asking dean all about it and even the teacher (the 23yo) was discussing it with us and dean kept saying 'na we like a lady all to ourselves' and i was like BULLSHIT and told the entire scene to my entire history class. my teacher laughed so hard.

JJ DeVille_X; You're still my everything. says:
What was the scene? I dont even remember!

sophie, says:
basically you and tamara were cuddling and she woke up and i dont remember why but she just started telling you about it and she finished and you threw her off you, got up and ran into the room where cashy and amy were having sex and yelled out 'FUCK MY GIRL IS A LEGEND SHE HAS HAD A FUCKING ALL GIRL FUCKING FOURSOME' and amy ran out to ask tamara all about it and i was pretty interested in it too. meanwhile you were running around the house telling every person you could get your hands on.


I am so great.

Loose Lips;

"Here is me... Here is you!"
"How about me on top of you?"

I make the best calls on people I only met 2 minutes beforehand.

Remorse Is For The Dead;

Never in my life have I been excited for anything more then I am for the release of Assassins Creed 2. It'll be totally worth the $110 I spend on it. Hurry up November 10th!

Party Foul;

So, yesterday was my big 18th birthday.
On Thursday, I met up with Tamara and we went and watched my brother at Industry night. I really enjoy being a part of my brothers career, I'm very supportive of him aswell. He's a really good dancer. I realize now, this is how he picks up girls. Lucky boy.
Then driving back home afterwards, the clock struck 12.00 and I was officaly 18... I didn't feel different. 4 minutes after, Luke pulls into the servo and I HAD to go buy smokes, so I went and got them, and I didn't get asked for ID... Shattered. Ohwell.
Then Luke drove Tamara and I back to Tamara's house and we got maccas and had a cute nap.
Woke up to tits, quite literally and that went smoothly. Then Tamara, Miss. Buzzkill, had school. So we walked to her local day care center to see if she could get work placement. Afterwards we walked to Gosford station and I said goodbye and set off home.
When I finally got to Lake Haven, I was starving, so I went and got some Maccas and smashed it, along with a cigarette in 8 minutes. I'm a machine. I finally got home, and dad was excited. We weren't leaving for Newcastle till like 2, so I had a power nap and then decided to get ready, and we set off to Newcastle land. We got to Panthers and they told us that dad couldn't come into the gig without any form of ID, so we were pretty pissed off. I called up my brother to pick up my dad and apologized. That was a bit of a downer on my birthday, I met up with all my boys and chilled and saw heaps of people and ended up giving my ticket to Caz. Cause I was 18, along with some of my friends, we got to go inside first. Caz brought me my first drink, Smirnoff, $9.00. I was shocked!
Parkway were doing a signing and it was comical. Pretty soon I found Tamara and she was acting weird so I pretty much ignored her all night. Then Safe Hands played, other then the shit sound and lack of vocals. They played well. Newi Pride.
This is about when Moorey spat on Ellie for saying Tall-Tee's were a joke. Man, roared her so hard.
Architects played and the pit opened alittle. Not big enough, so many wankers, fight starters, etc trying to ruin it for everyone. I didn't care, I just wanted August Burns Red to come on, and they did, and I went nuts. They played the 4 songs I wanted to hear more then anything and it made my birthday. I got into a fight, kicked in the face, bleed all over my singlet, have some skin missing off my shin and a corked leg(still limping today) but it was so worth it!
Parkway came on and I pretty much left straight away, had a cigarette and a talk with Big Money and then went and got my shit and waited out the front. Saw Ash and Vivi and smoked some lovely cancer and then I left to go get picked up by Luke.
Went out, had fun, got drunk.
Came home.

All in all, I had a good birthday.
Other then slight little hiccups, I can look back on more good/posi things about my brithday then negative and I love.
I saw all my friends, I saw ABR, I had maccas 3 times, I got drunk, I got into a fight, I got kisses, I killed cunts, I had a plain good time and though people tried ruining that for me I didn't allow it.

So thanks to everyone who rememberd/hugged me or anything and wished me a happy birthday.

:)

Redemption;

Fuck, for the first time I had like a fucking good weekend.
Only to be topped by next weekend and whats in store for me.

Friday;
Leo's 20th, drove up with Nicole, Ajay and Kayle. They're lovely ladies. When we arrived I sculled all my alcohol within a 30 minute radius which probably wasn't my best option. But they had a strobe light that either made me drunker, or just tripped me the fuck out. Either one.
I saw all the good people and everyone was questioning why I was not dressed as a pirate, Josh had the best call with "I'm a pussy pirate, shut the fuck up" I don't remember much, other then what people have told me which isn't very good, but Ruairi said I was out the front leaning on the front fence, and he was like "What're you doing?" and I was like "I need to go to Hungry Jacks, but I can't move... Because I'm almost CERTAIN I saw a horse" and spent 10 minutes convincing him I saw a horse. I didn't. Then Nicole and my bitches wanted to go, so we had to leave as much as I didn't want to. We went to Maccas and laughed at everyone, I was still half drunk and trying to hide it. Finally, we made our way home and I got home drunk, and dad and Zac were making fun of me. That wasn't nice. But I went to bed around 4am.

Saturday;
I woke up like, at 1pm, and was keen on something more to do, knowing Dylan was having a small get together I was determined to go, so I talked Nicole and the girls into going. So we left around 6ish, and got lost on the way, but ended up finding his house after like, after 20 minutes of driving around and searching. I decided to stay sober tonight, taking a hiatus on drinking for abit. Everyone else was drunk though, even Dylan which surprised me. It was such a good night. Definate highlights were the 40 minutes of Dylan all "You're ugly, I'm ugly. How the FUCK do you pick up girls? Just fucking tell me!" and Levis "How many pizzas? 2? Tell him to go fuck himself" other then my hellacious mood swing and shitbitches putting me down, Jack arrived and saved the day and made cheered me up. Spent all night with Josh, Dean, Kayle, Jack, Ajay and Nicole watching Step Brothers over and over, and none of us slept. Nicole and the rest of us left at around 7 to drop Levi off at the station. I didn't get home till 7.40. Sleep.

Sunday;
I woke up at 12, to a email from Tamara with her telling me what train she was getting on, a 2.00 one, so I had to somehow wake myself up, shower, put clothes on, get my shit together and pretty much charge out of the door. Only to get to the bus stop and figure out, that it was a Sunday, and I missed the bus, and the last bus wasn't till 3.00. So I messaged Nicole to see if she could drop me off at the station, she was nice enough to do just that. Thanks babe! ^.^ Get on the train and meet up with Tamara, Paulie and Gisele. At Broadmedow the train ran out of electricty, and wasn't moving anywhere. So we got off and bumped into Ruairi, Lachlan and Dean. Got a bus from Broadmedow and went and got KFC, ran into Tori, Josh, Dylan and everyone else. Absolutely dominated a fillet burger. Fuuuck. We all went back to the loft and lazed around waiting for the doors to open. There was some American mosh dude named Chad, who was by far the biggest man I've met. Men shouldn't be able to throw themselves around in the air the way he did. Rosevelt played good. Matt FOR ONCE didn't fuck up "Get To Fuck." I was amazed. Well done, Matt. Violence's new shit is fucking good as anything. I actually reckon they've got something good going for them, they arent just another "Newi Hardcore band" which is a relief. They played Throwdown, was on par with the original. Saving Grace played and I wasn't really feeling them to be honest, good intro, good breakdowns (when they FINALLY fucking happened.) They preached, I left. Storm impressed me like they always do without fail, their cover of "Brothers In Arms" was so good. Their new shit is epic as anything. But then For Today came on and me, along with everyone else absolutely lost their shit. Even though they had a fill in vocalist, he got the job done. They played all my favourites other then "Words of Hope" but its okay. I smashed kids, everyone hit everyone else. It was so good. I'm so sore. Because they preached, Tamara, Gisele, Paulie and I missed our train. Damn God, so the next train wasn't till 11.20 so we walked to Maccas, then Wickham station, only to find out its 30 minutes late, I have no way home so I had to get a taxi from Wyong that cost my dad $40. Fucking rip off. Had sweet chats with dad and exchanged cute emails with Tamara and had a good sleep.

Sickest weekend.
Next weekend will be even better.

Murderers Of The Murderers;

Walking around my hometown never phased me much, I've lived here all my life, 18 years, it's not the most fashionable estate, not pretty on the eyes, definitely not a place to live if you don't like being around violence, but it's home to me.
When I go out to Newcastle, my home away from home, for parties/gigs or anything of the sort, the best part is getting on a bus home to my house and knowing "Oh, I'm only 5 mintues from my amazing bed."
The only downside is I live very out of the way from everyone else, but it does not phase me, because I get a break from all the drama. Only a select few people know where I live so when I get death threats saying "I'm going to come to your house and rip your shitty little fringe off of your head" I laugh because, they assume I live in Newcastle. Sad.
I have so many memories in this place I call home. From my rebel days, mainly. I was such a bad ass back then. This place also has a bad rep, and the dickheads that pollute it don't make it any better, but I'm never bothered. I can walk around here at 3am and not have to have a worry, people think that's crazy because Ivan Milat use to live here. Silly idiots.
It's not a pretty place, in the least, but it's home.
And I love home.

Legends Never Die;

Agape;

This picture was taken at Ben's 18th. I've showed everyone this picture.
Max, Ben and I were getting drunk in a Rockdale park in Sydney, with like 238947 others, and we got bored and found a dead bird and put it on the barbecue. Max then got two sticks and pried it open and ripped it to shreds, and it was literally cooking. We then poured UDL, Tequila, Vodka, Scotch, Vodka Cruiser and copious other amounts of alcohol, along with spit. That was just for texture and marination of the overall bird. In the end it was pretty cooked up and smelt worse then anything had ever smelt. Alot of people threw up, I handled it.

Moral of the blog, don't cook already dead birds.

A Wish Full Of Dreams;

Tonight I had a taste of the past, a taste of the past I've longed for for far too long. You held me tight, swept away my emotions and fears like always.
I cannot begin to comprehend the racing thoughts, and the cloudiness creeping inside my head.
The things you spoke, the way you looked, the way you talked, just like the past. Just how I always remembered.
You crept back into my present future quicker and more smoothly then a puzzle piece, and without further contemplation, you stayed in my present time and made time stand still.
Tonight I shared a night with the biggest part of my past that I cannot and will never be able to get rid of, no matter how hard I try.
You'll always be my past, present and future, and the perfect fit for every ligament, crease and flaw in my body, but more so my life.

I love you

x

The Enchanted Rose;

"i really think your great and ill always be here for you no matter what you mean a fuck load to me and i neever want to leave you your one person i would like to ahave when im 80, with walking sticks sitting out having an ol' yarn about 'kids these days' your a dear friends, and i cherish eveyr moment i get to have with you. which is not so often these days. i would be proud to call you my bestfriend if you ever let it be. your one of a kind JJ love you x"


I wish I knew who sent this, because it literally made my week.

Love In Slow Motion;

Faithless;

I cleared the air with my ex girlfriend, which is alot for me, because I've got too much pride, and I'm an egotistical prick. But she was baling her eyes out at Sarah's and no one was making her happy, and I was the only one that put a smile on her dile.
We spoke majority of the night and now everything's behind us. I am surprised at myself for that.
But I'm mature.

Girls only like me for my accent, I have asked every girl who's slept with me/liked me/dated me and they've generally all said my accent was a "major contributing factor"
It's shit, what the hell.
Girls are fucked.

I'm going to listen to Lady Gaga, and dance.
They wont use me for a stupid accent.

1000 Miles;

Thank you, my dear friend gravity*.
You held me down to the ground when I felt like I was being flown away.
You keep my feet on my ground, and my head in the right place.
You make me see how everything is now structured around you, the world, my world, would crumble and fail without you.

<3


*A cover up name for a person.

The Beginning Of The End;

jeorgalouise, says:
i have an idea!!
write a story about me
and blog it :)
then I'll read it
BUT
it has to involve
a penguin
a cow that produces buttermilk
michael crafter
the creater of the goosebumps books
and a magical lampshade
GO GO GO GO
---------------------------------------

So, once there was a girl named Jeorga Louise Harris.
She lived in a cute small house in Swansea, and had a really messy bedroom.
She didn't have much luck with boys, and decided she'd rather jerk it to Michael Crafter, because Crafter is an incredibly sexy man. And let's face it, she's always wanted him. But we all know you can't get Crafter.
So she decides then, midway through kissing a picture of Michael, that she's going to go on a mission to get him!
She decides to take her good friend Jake along for the ride, it's weird how they've never dated, because Jake is really, really good looking. I mean, I'm not lying, he's a good sort.
They think, "Where do we start?!" Jake says "MySpace! Find out when Confession are playing next!" so they did just that, and fancy that, they were playing in Newcastle that weekend!
Jeorga almost passed out of excitement, and Jake moved the awkwardly placed magical lampshade away for her reach, because this lampshade could do crazy things, well, okay, truth be told it makes people become totally irresistable.
An epic wrestling back consumes, and Jeorga wins with a cheap shot to the jaw, and held the magical lampshade in her hands, and she passed out, Jake did what any good man would do in this situation, and slapped her 43 times and she finally awoke, and instantly, she said "Did it work?" and it had. Jake immediatly wanted to jump her bones, but that's not saying much, because he'd jump anyone.
So they walk through the mean streets of Newcastle and sure enough, the boys flocked to her like always, but some were more grabby then most. But we decided that it had worked, and they were ready for Crafter only a day away.
They had a cute nap and awoke the next day to a penguin in their bed, dry humping Jeorga's leg, Jake instinctively kicked it in the face and it went flying, but Jeorga wanted to keep it. So they had a another friend for the journey, Jake went outside and saw a cow walking across the road, producing buttermilk, he knew Jeorga liked buttermilk, so he ran across and got a glass full for her, she chucks it at the wall and exclaims "I DO NOT LIKE BUTTERMILK, JAKE"
Before starting a "I do not like green eggs and ham" arguement, he apologised and gave her a hug, and told her to get pretty, today was the big day of meeting Crafter!
She got pretty, Jake was naturally pretty, so they set off to Newcastle, and attended this gig.
It was shit, because Confession played, but then it all happened almost too quickly, Jeorga met Crafter, and expressed her undying love for him, and waited for him to flock to her like everyone else was almost at that moment, and it was in that very same moment, he opened his mouth and said "AW YEH BU' IM GAY, SOREH LUV"

The End!
- R.L. Stine

Last Dying Breath;

You know those old couples that have been together for like, 30+ years? Even those older couples who've been together even longer? They're probably your grandparents or parents.
That's what I want.

Everyone's got this negativity in their head that "Nothing lasts forever" and in some sense of the sentence, it's true!
But whose to say to the old folks who've spent 50 years with their beloved, that they won't die together? We all know they will. And I think that's cute.
Finding someone you can be your complete self around, that knows you inside and out, that knows you better then you know yourself, that will speak for you, in short, become your life support, without, you become nothing, and die without it.
I want that, to find someone I can be all of that and more with, I don't want to go around fucking every bitch I can, that's not me, I want to find "The One."
I believe there is someone for everyone, at times I think there is no one for me, but there is, some others say "Jake, you're too young"
Bollocks, my mother and father were around my age when they met, some have even been younger then me.
It is possible, and I will find it.

Words Of Hope;

Happy happy!

Cute girl is great.
I am happy, that's all I can say.

The Cycle;

I actually got out, and went to Sydney.
I usually hate traveling all the way to Sydney, it's such a pain in the ass with public transport to travel all that way to my mums, but I got it with Candice and it flew by so quickly, like wow.
When I was on the Western train, also known as, the train that everyone BUT Australian's get, I started getting a tickle in my throat and ignored it.

I have come down with 97% possible chance of Swine Flu, bullshit.
When it first came out, I was so paranoid, I didnt leave the house, nothing. I didn't wanna be near anywhere to get it. Bam, I "got it" but they said its "Not that contagious" what the fuck guys? Wow. Haha. Amazing how when I posted a bulletin, alot of nice people were actually worried about me, yet some cocks thought it was all for attention because I recently am going through a break up and need it? Wow.
Swine Flu will not kill me, but it's killed alot of people so far, so I'm going to make jokes and nautical puns about me dying from Swine Flu. It's not attention seeking, its what I do. I make jokes over deaths, everything. I believe every negative has a positive, and I make the most out of every bad situation. Idiots.
But, I'm feeling much better as I type this, throats alittle tense but it should clear up by tomorrow, and then I go home. :)
Been in Sydney a week, it's no different from Newcastle/Central Coast. It's warmer, cause I've been wrapped in blankets and heaters and electric blankets and force fed food. I'm lucky :)

Oh, and I have a crush on a girl.
Whatup? Daddy's back.

The End;

I've been studying hard for this Architecture course, and if my application goes through, and I get accepted, then I'll be gone.

Ill be getting a transfer to Melbourne, and living there. Deleting MySpace, and only getting the numbers and so on of people who are decent people, ill be changing my number/email so people from my past have no way of contacting me.
Ill be starting a new life, and starting my career, with no distractions.
If you think this is stupid or whatever, then how is it?
Whoever lives in Newcastle, always whinges and says they want to leave Newcastle, well im doing it, with the "scene" I've been in for like 5 fucking years.
And most of you won't be in my "new life"

If I don't get accepted, then I don't know what's going to happen.
Ill miss some of you, though. :)

x

Dressed For War;

You're what my eyes and mind take in as perfection. Daily you captivate me with intelligence and charm, and your secretive smiles intrigues me more then anything possibly could. I want to know you, inside and out, till theres nothing new for me to know. No one's caught my attention as quickly as you have. All previous girls mark off no more then 40 points in my "Perfecct Girl" list and you've somehow checked off over 80, you're magnificent.

Unfortunately, I cannot capture you. If you were a Poke'mon, I'd need a MegaBall.
I'll probably never be able to call you "mine," but I can always hope.
Because even as much as I know it, you know you won't find anyone better then I would be for you.

-End feelings-

And The Angels Were Silent;

Content. Wow.

Insomniac kicked me in the the testicles as hard as anything did 5 weeks ago, it only really happens when I'm alone, and as we all know I've been alone for awhile. It hasn't phased me, when I do get sleep, oh boy, do I sleep. I play guitar till 4am, which is becoming a habit. I've watched all my DVD's on repeat time after time. Everything is becoming a routine. I don't want it to be messed up.

Today, I hadn't slept, watching How I Met Your Mother over and over, to cheer me up, as the sun was rising, I think I had a micro-sleep whilst staring at it, I went and made a coffee and sat out the front on the veranda, with my 2 cats Phoebe, Tye and my dog Lucy. Sipping on my coffee and inhaling nicotine with my 3 best friends, listening to light rain drizzle along my rooftop, watching the sunrise set over the overly large tree across the road from me and brightening up my dark suburban neighborhood, I indulged in all of this for a bit, and realized I never took notice of the small things in my life, my animals, the beauty of a sunrise, everything. I pat my animals and flick my cigarette further then I have since I learnt how to flick a cigarette, and realized one thing;
This is the most content and at peace I have been in 5 weeks.
This feels good.

:)

The Golden Years;

Those were the days I'd replay in my head with a smile from ear to ear, and not a care in the world.
Now,
Those are the days I'm drinking away. With every care in this godforsaken world.

I'm sure everyone's noticed all my titles are band song names, sometimes they have relevance to my post, but majority of the time, not at all. Just gotta think. :)

The Sound Of Truth;

Line In The Sand;

Hey,
You cant change me, I'll accept you for everything you've become, accept me for who I am, who I've become, and who I've always been.

Hey,
You're great and amazing, your friendship means so much to me.

Hey,
You've never liked me for me, and I know this. So why do you still make an attempt to be my friend? If you cannot stand things about a human, why bother with them? Explain this to me.

Hey,
You're cute.

Hey,
You've possibly the biggest tits I've ever seen, or felt. New favourite.

Hey,
You're my perception of perfection, if I cannot grasp what I call perfect for now, then I'll live life hoping one day I can have it all to myself. Perfection.

Sleeping Princess In Devil's Castle;

And I hope every morning you wake up, it hurts more and doesn't stop.
And I hope every night you rest you lay and pray for death.
You made a better trophy in my dreams.
And now you are my nightmare.
I wonder, "Where did I go wrong?"
And you are all that's left of what it meant to live.
Don't worry. This will only hurt for a second. Sleep soundly.
Just where did I go wrong?
Just where did I go wrong?
And hoping for changes, we've wasted this, and what for?
And what for? One more day of this weight.
One more day of this dissolved presence.

Pretty Bones;

As most people know, I had a minor surgery done on my knee.
It was pretty cool.
They kept me awake and didn't put me under any anesthetic, just toughed it out.
It was incredibly painful, like wow.
I'm pretty much off crutches now, hurts to bend alittle.
1 down, 3 more to go.

The first people to come to ME and visit ME in this time frame? My exex Teejaye, and Mitch and Scott.
Hm. Put alot of things in perspective for me.

I also downloaded a band "Crash My DeVille"
Guess why.

Still Beats Your Name;

Please, get out of my head.
I've never wanted anything more then to erase everything that comes in shape of it all.
"Out of sight, out of mind"
Not true.
Fuck you, Kelly Clarkson. A big fuck you.

Ocean Of Apathy;

Certain occurrences have made me realize if I want a girlfriend, I'm either going to have to lower my standards, or become less picky. Which I don't want to do, because then I'd be settling for second best, which I've settled for time after time.
Laying in bed with the rain dropping away at my roof, I realized, how am I going to find a girl who can possibly put up with me?
My violent intoxicated ways, my rampaging accent, my "rep" that gets any girl dating me automatically disliked, my temper, my "problems", my constant neediness for attention and affection, my lifestyle, my over protectiveness, my morals, my "rules."
I mean I could go into detail, but that's boring. If I want what I want, then I'd have to change things about me, which is damn near impossible. All in all, I am amazing boyfriend, and I know it, it's finding a girl to appreciate that. And not just assume that I'm some sort of Superman. I'm only human.
Back in the day, I had a "Perfect Girl" list on my MySpace, with over 400+ things that I want in a girl, and really, isn't much, well, to me that is. No girl even crossed off like 40+ of those things, and that's why most of my relationships crumble and fail. I settle for less then I deserve.
I don't regret any of my relationships, they're all stepping stones and I've learnt alot from all of them.

My friends always say I am too picky, I never believed I was until I was checking out this girl in Maccas the other day, she was a good sort, then I looked at her ears, and one was clearly bigger then the other, immediately, she became extremely unappealing to me. Wow, picky.

One day I'll find a girl who'll complete all of the things I'd like in a partner, and knowing my luck when I find that girl, they'll more then likely not be interested in me.

Oh well, one day.

Nightmares;

57kilos, down to 43 in 3 short weeks, im weak and unstable, I feel more lonely then usual.
This isn't what it was meant to be like, this isn't how I hoped itd be.
I may have to get an operation and no one to hold my hand.
I've brought this all on myself.
This is a wake up call, I guess.
But I don't think im going to answer it.

Hmm.

You Call Me Son, I Call You Dead;

I'll more then likely be a better friend to your "friends" then you'll ever be.
You are too selfish and stubborn to maintain a friendship with anyone.
Mindless human life.

I rather enjoy my cycle of life right now.
With everything that's happened its made my dad and I alot closer.
I'm so keen for PWD/ABR, he will be comming and afterwards comming out pubbin' and clubbin' with me, it'll be legend-wait for it-.............. Dary.

And yes I'm wearing a suit out.
Gunna be sweet.

:)

Servants Of Divinity;

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You Can't Touch This;

You simply just cannot.
And I mean that in every sense of the sentence.

The Beautiful Mistake;

I think it's really hypocritical of you.
You want to be friends, you want it all clean, you overreact over a joke, and find it necessary to badmouth me at any god given moment.
When you've already got a new guy, and its so damn soon. Who happens to be a good friend of mine, turn him against me, just like you've tried to do to everyone else. For someone who wanted this be all clean, you're going the wrong way about it.
I dont want to see you just as much as you don't want to see me, I wish people would stop talking to me about you, I wish your name was never brought up in any form of vocal conversation.
You can bad mouth me as much as you want, I'm not bad mouthing you. Call me a sleaze, call me a joke, call me ugly, whatever.
Even through all of this and the immature antics, I still care about you as a human being. Even though I shouldn't, I'm just too nice of a person hey.
You always said I'd look good dressed all classy, and you'd like to walk around with me dressed as such.

Well, jokes on you, honey. :)