In Sincerity;

I miss you so much.
Ill never forget the times we spent together, hanging out at school, skipping class to go into town, smoke cigarettes out the back, find an unused classroom to hold our ever so infamous "hangman" games with alcohol.
We were an unstoppable force, you were my first friend when I entered high school and you accepted me for my differences, everyone saw us as a couple when we just saw it as a guy and a girl making the most of school life.
When I gained my crush on you, we dated for a few months and it all went to oblivion. My over neediness, clinginess, paranoid, over protective and ever so assuming mind, costed you your life and ill never be able to forgive myself for it, I know you would hate for me to blame myself, but I can't help it. Your anniversary is slowly approaching and, like always, I can't bear it. Unlike previous times, ill try not to drown my sorrows on your day, but damn it, you got me into alcohol in the first place!
It'll be 4 years since you passed away, you are my absolute everything. No one will ever compare.

Forever, always and more, ill love you.

R.I.P
15/11/2005.

Forsaken;

Laying in my bed, at 2:50am, and I cannot sleep. This is nothing unusual for me. I lay my head back into my 7 neatly and organizely placed pillows and watch the smoke from my cigarette dissapear into the air before it reaches my roof. The air wrapping around my naked torso feels a lot colder then it usually does, but im not phased, its probably Ricky, the ghost that haunts my house, trying to show me he's here with me. I suddenly don't feel as alone.

As I put out my cigarette I slide my ashtray onto my desktop and collapse onto my bed and allow my mind to take over my body, I shouldn't do it, the outcome is never pretty, but tonight it was good to me. My mind didn't sabotage myself and make me delve into past memories, or read into current problems so much that I am kept awake all night worrying about them. No, tonight my mind was nice.

I've enjoyed these last two months of fun and excitement, being single, going out, meeting amazing new people every week, always adventuring, always new experiances and funny stories to replay back on. It's all been a major highlight of my life, I've got a new group of friends that I would do anything for and without doubt risk limb for them, and have had to on the odd occasion.

I've enjoyed being single, which may surprise some people that know me, I haven't slutted around contray to popular belief, I have enjoyed the brighter side of it all. I never thought it was posible to be single and happy, but you can. In doing this, I have gone back into my old ways of independancy and self reliance, and I enjoy it. Im content and used to comming home to an empty cold bed, my room reeking of loneliness and angst. And I don't think its going to change.

But then my mind delves deeper, as per usual, and hits a restraintful nerve. I do miss it, I miss being wanted, to be held, to be someones, to mean the world to one person, to give my everything and more to. In times like this, my insomniac driven mind trips, I had my partner to sweep away all my fears and emotions, and they helped me get to sleep at night.

I am lucky enough to have found something similar to adorementioned wants, and I love it. Its not a relationship, its nothing serious, its chill and kick back, just how my life is. My mind has, of course, delved into current occurances and tried to sabotage it for me, but I won't allow it. I have come along way from all of this to deal with my mind in a much better way, I won't allow it to ruin the only thing that's putting a smile on my face the past few weeks.

I've grown, I've overcome, I've matured and most of all I've achieved so much in these past few months.
I've come so far from where I used to be, and I owe it all to positive thinking.

Keep Posi, always.